The person tying is often called the rigger, and when it's a woman, I like to call her a shibari goddess. The person being tied is called the rope bottom, or the model.

Picture yourself kneeling on the bed in a silky camisole, your favorite playlist low in the background. He kneels behind you, runs a soft length of cotton rope through his hands, then wraps it slowly around your wrists, twice.

What if I panic? you wonder.

As if he heard you, he leans in close. "We go slow," he says against your ear. "And you can stop anything, anytime."

What sets shibari apart is how much attention it pays to the experience of the person in the rope. For many couples, the slow process of tying becomes an act of devotion.

I've personally led many shibari ceremonies that were deeply healing rather than sexual, and my clients have had profound somatic releases in them.

Suspension also asks a great deal of the rigger, who needs extensive experience and a deep knowledge of nerves, anatomy and load. It's a stunning art form, but it isn't ideal for sex or bedroom play because it's so intense. For couples who want connection and pleasure, floor and bed ties are where the magic happens.

A 2023 case series in the journal Cureus found that the radial nerve, which wraps around the upper arm, was the nerve most often injured in rope bondage. I always teach my students that the upper arms and joints are higher-risk areas.

Check the hands often. Watch whether they change color, and ask about any numbness or tingling, since sharp or shooting pain and weakness in the hand are warning signs too. Rope can go around the neck as part of a decorative harness or certain kinds of play, done with skill and never constricting, but never during suspension.

1. Never leave a tied person alone, not even for a moment. I always teach my students that being left alone in rope is one of the most serious risks in all of kink.

2. Keep safety shears within reach. Rope shears have a blunt, protected tip designed to slide under rope without cutting skin.

3. Check hands often. Look for any change in color, and ask about numbness or tingling.

4. Stop at the first sign of numbness or tingling. Untie or cut the rope right away, and seek medical advice if the feeling doesn't return.

5. Avoid rope over the inside of the elbow and the back of the knees, where nerves sit close to the surface.

6. Keep rope on the neck decorative and loose, and never during suspension.

7. Check your rope. Make sure it's clean and not frayed.

8. Stay sober. Alcohol and other substances blur the signals you both rely on.

Jute and hemp are the traditional natural-fiber ropes. They grip beautifully and are better suited to more advanced practices, and they're what you'd use for any kind of suspension.

Keep the shears beside you every time, and practice cutting a spare piece of rope before you ever need to in a hurry. Then set the mood however you love, whether that's candles or a playlist you both enjoy.

With my clients, I'm constantly attuned to their breath and body, and I also like to use language and never, ever assume anything. There's a lot of nuance in shibari, and asking is how you honor it.

"Color?" he asks.

"Green."

"How are your hands?"

"Warm," you say, and he checks them anyway, grinning, just to be sure.

Saying "my hand is tingling" never ruins the moment. It's the moment working exactly as it should.

He unties you as slowly as he tied you and runs his thumbs over the faint pattern the rope left on your wrists. Then he wraps you in a blanket and pulls you into his lap.

I didn't panic, you think. I didn't want it to end.

"Tell me everything," he murmurs into your hair. "What did you love? What didn't you? What do you want next time?" You tell him the wrist tie felt like being held and you'd love to try your thighs next time, and he admits that watching you melt into the rope was the sexiest thing he's ever seen.

Please don't skip this conversation. I always teach my clients that the talk afterward is where you get the most information: what you liked, what you didn't, and what you're up for next time. It's also where trust grows, because you each discover that honesty is safe, and even sexy.

Rope marks usually fade within hours, but take any lingering numbness seriously and get medical advice. My article on consent in kink covers aftercare in depth.

That's exactly why I created Shibari for Lovers. I've trained with some of the top shibari masters in the world and taught more than 200 students how to tie their lovers, and I'll guide you through every tie step by step, with safety and consent woven into every lesson.