In a survey of 4,175 Americans for his book Tell Me What You Want, Kinsey Institute researcher Justin Lehmiller found that 96 percent of women and 93 percent of men had fantasized about BDSM themes like power and bondage.

And men, that fantasy you've kept to yourself since your twenties is more ordinary than you think.

He shifts beside you and nuzzles into your neck. "You're thinking so loud I can hear it," he murmurs. "What's going on in there?"

Hold your fantasy lightly when you share it. You're telling him something that turns you on, the way you'd tell him about a dream you had.

"Can I tell you something I've been thinking about?" you whisper, trailing your fingertips slowly down his chest.

"Always," he murmurs, pulling you closer.

You take a breath. "Sometimes I imagine you pinning me down and telling me exactly what to do."

Immediately, his breath changes and his hand tightens on your hip. "God, that's hot," he says, his voice dropping low. "Tell me more."

Before you say it, ask yourself what you feel inside the fantasy. Maybe it's the relief of not having to decide anything after a week of deciding everything. Maybe it's the thrill of being wanted so badly that he can't keep his hands off you. Once you know the feeling, you have a direction, and there are a hundred delicious ways to get there.

If you want words, try these: "I feel so close to you, and I want to share something that turns me on. It's a little vulnerable for me, so would you just listen first?" That last line tells him exactly how to hold what you're giving him.

"Really?" he says, and you can hear the delighted surprise in his voice. "I've thought about that so many times. I just never knew if you'd want it. I didn't want you to think I was too much."

He's been wanting this too, you think, and you grin into the dark.

A partner won't always respond this warmly right away, and a first reaction of surprise is usually nerves. If yours goes quiet or looks uncomfortable, try: "I can see this surprised you. I'm not asking you to do anything. I just wanted you to know me." Then give it a day.

So say it plainly: "I love our sex life. I just want to explore even more of each other."

"So you're not bored of me?" he teases, but you can hear how much he needed to ask.

You roll on top of him and kiss him. "I'm the opposite of bored."

"Your turn," you whisper, sliding your leg over his. "Tell me one of yours."

His is about you wanting him so openly that you push him against the kitchen wall the moment he walks in the door. You bite your lip, because you realize you'd love to do exactly that.

When they share, thank them and ask what they love about it. Being received without judgment is what makes the next conversation easier.

There is usually plenty of room between a yes and a no. Maybe he doesn't want to role-play a stranger, but he'd love to take charge of a whole evening. Maybe you don't want anything rough, but you'd love to be held still and teased.

"So what would a little taste of it look like?" he asks, his hand drifting slowly down your spine.

"Maybe you just hold my wrists and tell me what to do," you say. "And I'm not allowed to help."

"I think I can manage that," he says, and you can feel him smiling against your shoulder.

You keep the feeling and adapt the form, so a fantasy of being taken over becomes his hand pinning your wrists gently to the pillow while you both know your safe word changes everything.

The next night, he doesn't wait for you to bring it up. Immediately after he turns off the lamp, he takes both of your wrists in one hand and presses them into the pillow above your head.

"Your safe word?" he asks, and you tell him.

"Good," he says. "Now stay."

Afterward, tangled up in the sheets, he pulls you onto his chest. "Okay, tell me everything," he says. "What did you love? What would you change?" You tell him the wrists were perfect and you'd love more of his voice next time, and he admits that feeling you let go turned him on more than he expected.

Please don't skip this part. I always teach my clients that the conversation afterward is where you get the most information. You learn what each of you liked or didn't, and you discover what you're both up for next time. It's also where the trust grows, because each of you sees that honesty is safe and even sexy.