You tell him you've always wondered what it would feel like to be told what to do. "Wait, that counts as kink?" he asks, grinning. "Then I think we're already kinky."

He's right, and so are most couples. Justin Lehmiller's survey of 4,175 Americans for his book Tell Me What You Want found that more than three-quarters of participants had fantasized about bondage, and that more people fantasized about submission than domination. If kink is on your mind, you're in the majority.

Later, when you look through a list of ideas together, you notice that right beside spanking there's being kissed all over while you're not allowed to move. You feel your shoulders drop. Oh, you think. I can start here.

Many women hold back because they assume kink means pain they don't want. You get to define your kink entirely. For some women, being held still and touched slowly is the most intense experience of their lives.

I always teach my clients to start with one question: what do you want to feel?

He asks you exactly that.

"Held," you say finally. "And a little bit helpless. In a good way."

He grins slowly, as though you've just handed him a treasure map.

That evening, he asks you to lie back and close your eyes. You hear the soft clink of ice in a glass, and your stomach does a slow somersault.

He draws a single cold drop from your collarbone down to your belly, and your back arches before you can stop it. Then his warm mouth follows the same path, and the contrast makes you gasp.

Praise is another fun way to play. A praise kink means being turned on by hearing the most extraordinary things about yourself, and one partner might kiss every inch of the other's body while telling them exactly what they adore.

Think about a movie scene that turned you on, or something a lover said that you couldn't stop thinking about. Write those down without judging them, then look for the pattern. You might find that what excites you the most is surrender, or simply being adored.

Fill it out separately, so neither of you is influenced by the other, and remember that maybe is a perfectly good answer. When you compare, start with your shared yeses, since that's your playground, and leave every no exactly where it is.

He looks up with a slow smile that makes your skin warm. "Well," he says. "That's interesting."

Keep it to about twenty minutes with the lights low. Before you begin, choose a safe word, which is a word either of you can use to pause or stop at any moment. My article on consent in kink walks you through safe words and aftercare in detail.

The moment you say yes, he takes a silk tie from his dresser and wraps it loosely around your wrists, twice, in a bow you could slip out of. He checks that it isn't too tight and kisses the inside of each wrist.

"Your word?" he asks. You tell him, and when he repeats it back, your whole body settles.

"Don't move," he says, kneeling over you. "Stay there."

Can I really do nothing? Your instinct is to reach for him and help.

Then he begins to touch you with absolutely no hurry, and you realize the tie isn't what's holding you in place. His attention is. The silk is just a sweet little permission slip that tells your body it can stop managing everything. I've written more about this in Why Powerful Women Crave Surrender.

Later, you lie tangled together with the tie still draped over the pillow. "So," he says, tracing lazy circles on your shoulder, "what did you love? What would you change?" You tell him the ice nearly undid you and you'd love him to go even slower next time, and he admits that watching you hold still for him was the hottest thing he's seen in months.

Please don't skip this conversation. I always teach my clients that the talk afterward is where you learn the most, because it shows you what each of you liked or didn't and what you're both up for next time. It's also where trust grows, and trust is what makes the next time even better.

A good partner takes you to your edges but never crosses them. They ask about your limits before you begin and check in during play. A good teacher tells you honestly when something, like rope, needs hands-on instruction. If someone shames you for asking questions, that tells you everything you need to know.

The biggest mistake is going too fast. Many couples try the most intense thing on the list first and decide kink isn't for them, when slowing down would have made it delicious. I always teach my clients that the rules about restraint and the neck are non-negotiable.

And please don't use pornography as your teacher. Most of it is low frequency. The people on screen are usually actors rather than people in love, and sometimes they're even people who have been trafficked. It shows you none of the conversation and connection that make real play feel good, so this is not the place to start.